Happy Monday, Total No folks! I’m glad you’re here.
Today we’re exploring how to push past the ingrained idea of “being rude”. If you’re not used to setting and enforcing clear boundaries, you might feel Very Rude while doing so, until you get used to it. That’s okay. The key is that we have to consistently keep setting and enforcing the boundaries consistently as we adjust to our new normal (and so does everyone else). For some people, this feels like being rude. It’s not- but regardless, the social interdiction against rudeness is so strong, often particularly so for female-presenting folks, that we’ll let other people trample reasonable boundaries in order to feel satisfied that are not being rude to other people.
Assertive is making your own boundaries clear in a kind and firm way and then sticking to them. Rude is intentionally being unkind, being coercive or threatening, or otherwise harming another person. They’re very different. Here are some examples.
Your coworker Gina thinks that any time you are visible, you are free to chat. She interrupts you constantly and you’re having trouble getting any work done at all. We teach people how to treat us and it’s time to update Gina’s expectation.
Assertive: Starting right this minute, you are not available for her at all times no matter what you’re doing. When she comes over to your work area, you say kindly but firmly, “I’m in the middle of something- let’s chat when I’m done.” And then you turn back to your desk and keep working. You can also use some similar version of this, like “I’m on a deadline, but I can chat after 3” or “I’m about to head into a meeting, but we can talk after that?” or “I’m not free now, but I’ll come and find you when I am and we can talk then.” You are letting her know that you cannot and will not talk now, when you’re busy, but you can and will talk at another time that’s more convenient for you. You’re protecting your time and your headspace.
Rude: You scream “STOP TALKING TO ME” and throw your stapler at her.
AlphaSuperParent in the PTA has decided you’re going to chair the annual candy/wrapping paper/scented candle/stuff no one needs sale….without asking you. You absolutely don’t want to do this.
Assertive: Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not able to take that on. I look forward to supporting the kids’ efforts!
Rude: (sarcastic tone) Right, like I have time for this BS. Isn’t this kind of stuff exactly what stay-at-home parents are supposed to do? Do your “job” and stop bothering me with stupid crap.
There are a few times it is totally fine for people to request to override your boundary: something is on fire, someone is bleeding or needs medical attention, your biggest client has unexpectedly shown up and is waiting in the foyer, there is a rabid raccoon inside the building. But usually, whatever it is can wait, the other person just doesn’t want to wait. You don’t need to do this thing, but other people really want you to.
This is what we’re fixing when we set and enforce boundaries.
For a lot of people, it absolutely feels rude to set boundaries, because we’re not used to it. We’re used to Gina loitering at our desk until we finally feel so awkward that we stop what we’re doing and take off our headphones and turn around and make eye contact and say “Hi, Gina, what do you need?” We’re used to AlphaSuperParent slowly but surely breaking us down with a combination of incessant emails and passive-aggressive guilt trips. However, you get to decide what you want to do, and other people get to decide what they want to do. When I decide that I need uninterrupted time to get my actual work done, and let people know what the new plan is for me to do that, it’s assertive, not rude. When I decide that I do not, in fact, want to chair the annual candy/wrapping paper/scented candle/stuff no one needs sale, I get to decide that and stick to it. I’m not being So Rude by making my own decisions. The person who is being rude in this situation is the person who is not respecting your decisions.
Effective boundaries are not rude; they’re assertive. They’re needed. It’s up to us, though, to create and enforce those boundaries and to re-teach other people how to treat us. Other people are not going to magically divine the new plan and follow it without hesitation. We actually have to speak it out loud, kindly but firmly, and then remind people as needed. We sometimes need to remind them with our behavior: putting headphones back on and turning back to the computer when a conversation is over, or closing the office door, or repeatedly cheerfully refusing to do something, or filtering emails, or deliberately breezing past AlphaSuperParent with a smile and wave but without any time for them to talk to you.
One note: sometimes we need rude. Sometimes a person is doing something so unbelievably not-okay that we need to make that boundary immediately crystal clear. If that’s the case, have at it.
As always, please share your thoughts and comments, and if you have a question you’d like addressed in future columns, please submit it anonymously here.