Happy Monday, Total No folks! Today, we’re addressing a question that I end up talking about a lot in my profession: how do I know if my boundaries are working? Are they strong enough or too strong or not strong enough? How do I tell if I need to make an exception? Why does this feel so awkward and give me such anxiety?
All good questions.
Here are some musings on this topic, developed over many years and lots of client conversations. They’re not perfect by any means but they might give us some food for thought.
We often need to redefine our definition of success. Effective, successful boundaries usually do not result in everyone involved being happy about it. (That’s actually almost never the outcome.) We usually need better boundaries because one or more persons are not respecting the ones we already have. Those people are not going to be happy when you decide to change your reaction and set different limits! Instead, consider defining success as “I am using reasonable, kind strategies to get what I need.”
Your job is to build and maintain a generally happy, generally healthy life for yourself and other dependents you’re responsible for, like children or pets in your care. To do that, we have to consider what fits with that goal and what doesn’t and what trade-offs we are willing to make in service of that goal. This sometimes means making decisions and compromises that other people don’t like. That’s okay! Keep your eye on the prize. If you need to change what you’re doing with your time, space, physical body, mental space, social relationships, work habits, etc., to give yourself a chance to be happier and healthier, then you can do that. Other people don’t get to decide that for you.
Everyone is entitled to their own feelings but the feelings of others are not your responsibility. Other people will have feelings about the boundaries you set and sometimes those feelings might be upset, angry, hurt, and so on. That happens; we try to be as kind as we can, but a person who frequently runs full-speed over your boundaries doesn’t get the same consideration as someone who is generally kind and respectful. Another person saying (or whining or yelling) some version of “I don’t like this decision” is not necessarily a valid reason for you to change what you’re doing. Consider the source and the context and feel free to decide that what you’re doing is actually fine, the other person just doesn’t like it.
If this last one is feeling especially tough, try this on for size: Why are other people’s feelings and comfort and time worth more than yours?
The feeling we’re looking for is peaceful; maybe not immediately, but in the near future. It’s not going to feel peaceful when your cousin is screaming at you for deciding not to attend all four of her destination bachelorette parties. It’s not going to feel peaceful when you decline to write your task-averse coworker’s slide deck that’s due for the 8AM meeting tomorrow. It’s not going to feel that way right now. However, it’s likely going to feel peaceful soon. You can say clearly, “That’s what I can do. I’ll be excited to celebrate with you in May! Gotta go, talk later” and hang up the phone. Take a few deep breaths and then enjoy the calm and quiet and daydream about what you’re going to do with the six thousand dollars you’re not spending. You can cheerfully tell your coworker “oh, I’m not available to help with that” and then go about your day, enjoying the fact that you’re not scrambling to do the work of two people, and go home at a reasonable time. Maybe you can even eat a good dinner in your wide-open evening time for enjoyment and relaxation.
Peaceful is what we’re aiming for, and it’s one way you might know that your boundaries are in the right spot. Anxiety and resentment are good indicators that your boundaries might need some adjustment. The feelings of other people don’t determine what we do- we try to be reasonable and kind, but beyond that, the feelings of unreasonable people don’t dictate our decisions. Happy and healthy is the goal. Peaceful is the goal. When we use boundaries as a tool to move toward those things, we feel calmer. I hope you’ll give yourself permission to trust your feelings as good data points and use your rational intellect to make decisions that serve you well.
As always, please share your thoughts and comments, and if you have a question you’d like addressed in future columns, please submit it anonymously here.