Happy Monday, Total No folks! For whatever reason, I had a confluence of conversations this week on the topic of dreams that didn’t quite come to fruition. We all have them. Things we dreamed about as a child, or a young adult, or pre-kids, or what growing old with our chosen person would be like. What college would be or what retirement would be. Some people end up with their dream, I suppose, but I’d guess the vast majority of people end up with something that isn’t quite what they envisioned in at least some ways. Those ways can be good or bad or just different, but this is usually where we start to have feelings.
For example, maybe your dad has a problem with hoarding. His home is floor-to-ceiling junk, as is the garage and two outbuildings. Yikes. You know he’s willed the house to you, but instead of being an asset, it’s more likely that it will be condemned. In your fantasy of being an adult, you always envisioned either a) getting him to realize that he needs major help and somehow returning his home back to a livable condition or b) burning the house down and bringing him to live with you, in a clean space with usable plumbing. The reality is, he doesn’t want to clean up or change at all and he’s not going anywhere. This situation is ripe for a lot of feelings: sadness, anger, resentment, fear, disappointment, despair.
Here's my question: what did you want to get out of the original plan?
And how can you move toward that?
Your dad is not going to leave the hoarder house. But if you wanted him to know that you love him, you can still tell him that, and show him in other ways. If you wanted him to know that he’s worth a lot to you, you can still convey that. Maybe your aging grandmother isn’t going to have the 15-acre country garden you always wanted for her, but you can still garden and talk and enjoy spending time together. You can deepen your relationship with her and bring her joy along with new plants. (Also, maybe she doesn’t want the 15-acre country garden. That’s a lot of work. Consider the garden tour instead.)
Do what you can. Celebrate that.
Sometimes things change. The six-month road trip you and your best friend always envisioned isn’t really feasible now that you’re both married with small children, but a long weekend is absolutely a possibility. Is this settling? Maybe, but I’d encourage all of us to reframe it as celebrating joy and fun and love and connection wherever we can get it, instead of waiting for the “perfect” time or place. It’s always a good idea to let people know how much they are loved and valued. Just because something isn’t exactly as you envisioned it, that doesn’t mean it’s worthless. It’s just different! There are so many ways to enjoy your life that are not exactly what you thought they would be. Think about what you wanted to get out of that space/time/relationship/activity, and go do it anyway. Send pictures. Have fun!